The Courier requires me to inform you that the following is satire. Evidently, in today’s world, it is difficult to tell the difference.
Again this year in May, 100 percent of “top” scientists announced that the Antarctic ice pack was shrinking at an alarming rate due to anthropomorphic climate change. Later in the same month, a consensus of scientists declared that the ice pack in Antarctica was increasing in size due to human caused global warming. Sidarti Hunanjashmitat, a senior UN bureaucrat, stated that humans were doomed unless the U.S. instituted a carbon tax and sent all the receipts to third-world countries like his own.
In July, Fred Barnes was arrested for disturbing the peace when he entered a bank, presented the clerk with a dollar bill and demanded something worth a dollar in exchange. The clerk was confused and called for her supervisor. Barnes informed the supervisor that a U.S. dollar was backed by the full faith and trust of the U.S. government and he wanted something worth a dollar for his dollar bill issued to him by the Federal Reserve. The bank supervisor had no idea what Barnes was talking about and called the police.
Late in October, a school district in southern California had to be closed when it was discovered that three students texted passages from the New Testament to each other. The contraband texting was discovered during an exercise in which students were required to copy prayers from the Koran, and from Zoroastrian, Voodoo, and Inuit sources and send at least two prayers to someone outside of class. The school superintendent, Catherine Bowler-Johnson-Sanchez-Pain who announced the closing, said that it was very disturbing that students so blatantly violated the school’s religious policies, forcing the two-week shutdown of the entire school district.
Due to the refusal of the government to fully fund its universities, Northeast of Peoria State University announced in December that it was closing down unneeded programs such as math, chemistry, and physics in order to hire two new assistants to the new vice-president in charge of Diversity, Inclusion, and Student Sensitivity. Part of the savings will also go to hire four new secretaries and to expand the floor space of the Diversity Center.
In another report, the UN condemned North Korea for threatening numerous countries with fire, pestilence, and complete destruction rained down on their heads by the omnipotent wrath of the Glorious Leader. Hearing that when Trump heard the news, he smiled, North Korea declared his reaction to be an “act of war.”
Also in December, Congresswoman, the Honorable Sue Tuffershort, resigned after being accused of sexual improprieties. She bravely stepped forward and accused herself of telling jokes to herself that demeaned women. She was so shocked by the statements made to herself that she accused herself of sexual harassment. Claiming the charges are not true and the product of her political opponents, she nevertheless proclaimed that she needed to do the right thing and step down.